


Luz Commits Tax Fraud

by Cornonjacob



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Amity Blight thirsts a little, Animated GIFs, Comedy, Crack, Embedded Images, F/F, Financial Issues, Financial shenanigans, Fluff, Footnotes, Gay Disaster Amity Blight, Gay Panic, Hexside Academy of Magic and Demonics, Homophobia, Humor, I can no longer see God's light, I'm not sorry, Justice (XI), Luz treats Lilith like garbage, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Luz Noceda, Post-Episode: s01e19 Young Blood Old Souls, Romance, Scams, Swearing, trollfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29171682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornonjacob/pseuds/Cornonjacob
Summary: After the excitement of avoiding public execution and denying Emperor Belos his hopes and dreams, the Owl House family realizes that their income has burnt up with the portal to the human realm. As Eda is not a responsible adult and Lilith is incompetent, the problem has yet to be rectified. With her (girl?)friend Amity's help, Luz levies her skills and resources to become the ultimate proverbial bread maker. But with great wealth comes great responsibility and the potential for great corruption. Will Luz support her family out of poverty or will she...Luz control?I am excellent at writing summaries and you should all fear me.
Relationships: Amity Blight/Luz Noceda
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Luz Commits Tax Fraud

One of the first aspects of life on the Boiling Isles that Luz had to adjust to was the cuisine. With mystery meats and demonic dishes so commonplace, the human had to adapt or die. Yet even Luz's stomach, steeled by a (sometimes literal) eat or be eaten environment was just about done with this chicanery as its host chewed unhappily on a finely aged Smucker's Uncrustables Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly Sandwich for the fifth breakfast in a row. Eda, head of the Bad Girl Coven, was partaking in a lavish meal consisting of two entire Pop-Tarts with a side of croutons au jus. Her sister, and the newest addition to the household, Lilith, was similarly dining on hors d'oeuvres of al dente cup ramen sans water and heat as well as a main course of beaned cans. King was eating his own shit.

"Hey! This is shit!" King squealed in Alex Hirsch's voice, "This food isn't fit for a peasant, much less a king!"

Eda groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose, "King, we've been over this. Money's going to be tight since we lost the portal and I can't get more human junk to pawn off. I hate to say it, but we all have to make sacrifices here."

"What do you mean, 'we'? As your ruler, I demand-"

"Ruler schmuler, you live under my roof, you live under my rules...actually, you live under Hooty's roof but my point still stands," Eda retorted, whispering that last part in fear of attracting the attention of the godless entity bound to the front door of the residence.

"King is right!" Luz interjected before violently coughing on account of the dry-ass Smucker's Uncrustables Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly Sandwich lodged in her parched thrussy.

Lilith stood up and reached for the girl, "Luz, don't speak with your mouth full!"

"Don't touch me, motherfucker."

Lilith made an indignant noise which the human ignored. Eda struggled to prevent her face from becoming the open eye crying laughing emoji which she failed at because she started choking too.

Luz stood up and firmly planted her right foot onto the two dollar stool she had been sitting on. She believed this maneuver made her appear more dignified. It did not make her appear more dignified, and nobody told her. As she finished straightening her back and deepening her voice, honeyed words began to pour out of her mouth like ambrosia and death.

"Eda, have you ever considered why humans wish to live? Humans live hoping to conquer their anxieties and fear, and attain a peace of mind. Seeking fame, controlling others, and acquiring wealth are all done to achieve peace of mind. Marriage and friendship are also pursued as means of attaining peace of mind. When humans say they wish to help others, or that a thing is done for love or justice...it's all merely to give themselves peace of mind. To achieve peace of mind is the goal of all mankind. I believe that witches live under this true desire as well, which underlies the pursuit of magic and knowledge, for the sated mind is one at peace. Now, given that, what anxiety could nuestra familia possibly feel towards its financial and legal situation? Any other peace of mind would come easily if such a thing could be resolved. Doesn't challenging the Emperor, losing your magic, and being severed from the human realm and its bounty, knowing that it may spell your death, bring you anxiety? EDA! You are a very capable witch. It's a waste to let you wither away. Why not relinquish control to I, Luz Noceda, and allow me to dictate our path? As a human, I can promise you peace of mind for eternity."

At some point, Luz had begun radiating colors, all of which flared at the conclusion of her rhetoric as if she was the 16th president of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln, giving the Gettysburg Address, except that didn't happen because Abraham Lincoln was straight.

"Well kid," Eda answered, returning from her offscreen trip to the kitchen with a teapot and teacups in hand for the table, "I got less than half of that but it's not like I have a better idea. Knock yourself out."

"I won't let you down Eda," Luz declared, taking the drinkware from her mentor and beginning to serve a beverage of boiled rainwater flavored with complimentary sugar packets from Hexside's cafeteria.

"I'm sure you won't," Lilith scoffed, finishing her canned beans and standing, "You need to get to school soon. I will be out at the market looking for employment today. I'll be right back."

The older witch strolled to the kitchen with her dishes. Making sure Lilith's back was turned, Luz quickly finished pouring herself, Eda, and King's refreshments before taking the teapot. Confirming that Lilith was still washing up and none the wiser, she relieved herself into the remaining drink. The other two still at the table just watched this shit go down, King struggling to contain his sniggering. It looked kind of like this except worse:

1

2

The young witch-in-training chugged her drink and grabbed her school bag. "Lilith, there's some drink leftover for you so help yourself! I'm off to school, later owl fam!" she called out, quickly hugging Eda, nuzzling King, and rushing out the door while completely ignoring Hooty.

* * *

Luz strolled to Hexside School in her usual happy-go-fuck-yourself manner, plotting the financial sustainability of her owl household and the way of life of its inhabitants. Her brain decided it wanted to work today and she was talking to herself like normal people and the damned do.

"Eda pretty much had a monopoly on the human stuff market, but we lost that with the portal. Dang. Eda's smart, but she and that fucker Lilith lost most of their magic and they're still wanted outlaws, so 'normal' work probably won't cut it," the human mused to herself, before having a sensible chuckle, "well Eda isn't exactly 'normal' anyway. Heck, we're just a house of good old weirdos."

"Too bad there's nothing that Lilith can do better than her sister except be anal retentive, so I don't think we can count on her to get our bread either," she continued. This was a sensible deduction.

Luz had a stroke, specifically a stroke of genius. "I know!" She shouted with excessive volume (this is how you know that she's excited), "I'll ask Amity if she has any ideas! Her family is rich and her parents trade stocks and do white collar crime and other rich people things so I bet she has some of that good info! Dios mio I'm a genius!"

Luz continued rambling, which was unfortunate for me as I am the one who has to write her dialogue. "And Amity's so smart and talented, and she's really hardworking and diligent too, so I bet she knows just what to do! She's so pretty and confident, but she's also so sweet and kind and I can totally count on her! I really love hanging out with her too, so that's even better! We can talk about how to make a living and hang out and share snacks and maybe even watch a movie and have dinner together, and after that I'll hug her close and tell her I had a great time while gazing into her lovely golden eyes and kiss her good night just like I do with all my homies! ¡Muy guay!"

Serendipitously, Luz had arrived early at school on account of Dana Terrace getting lazy and dragging Luz's transparent PNG onto the Hexside background art before merging the layers. Even more serendipitously, Amity's PNG file was already there. Unbeknownst to either of the girls, Eileen leaned her eye over the local hallway water fountain and enjoyed several consecutive and extended moments of complimentary hydration. The water, spurting out of the faucet with an ideal pressure and crisp coldness, spattered against the student's eye. As her gaze grew moist, Eileen blinked rapidly and greedily, slurping the liquid down her eyelids. Her large lashes glistening with dew, the cyclops allowed a muffled whimper of indulgence as her needs were quenched. As Eileen drank, a small portion of the water soaked into her uniform, yet she paid no mind as she continued to imbibe the refreshing secretions of the fountain, her eye glistening with satisfaction. Luz took an enormous breath.

"HEY AMITY!" She screamed in all caps and with no regard to the scene she was making in the middle of the fucking hallway. She rushed over and the other students got the hell out of her way because they weren't important.

"HEY LUZ!" Amity replied in equal volume for unequal reasons while she struggled to maintain stability in her legs and the neutral color palette of her face. She tried to walk over to her crush but she was too busy sucking at walking.

"Luz! What are you doing here?" Amity asked as she scuttled toward Luz like a drunk crab, "I mean, that was dumb, we attend Hexside t-together and you don't want to kiss-MISS class and all, and if anything I know that you're really pretty, er pretty diligent with school!"

"Just checking in on my girl!" Luz responded, giving her friend a traditional Luz hug, unknowingly stoking the inferno of Amity's homosexual hysteria, or as the youths call it, Gay Panic, "We're still good for Azura Book Club in the library at six, right? There's some stuff I wanna talk about after."

"Y-yeah! Of course! Definitely! I'll be there early checking you out, CHECKING SOME BOOKS OUT before we start at sex-SIX O'CLOCK!" Amity spoke-screech-squawked like an inept baboon before the bell mercifully screamed just as shrilly, "Gotta go! To er, uh, class! Have a great gay, great day I mean! I love you!" She finished, miraculously with a mostly coherent statement. Amity clumsily flailed her way to class like a QWOP ragdoll. She may have been able to walk more effectively with regular shoes instead of the Freudian slippers she was wearing.

"You too Amity! Love you!" The human responded before departing for her own academics.

* * *

After the best school period, dismissal, Luz found herself in Amity's hideout at Bonesborough Library which was located in Bonesborough. The usual excitement she felt in her classes in anticipation of hanging out with her best friend and discussing their mutual love of young adult literature had transitioned to the joy of doing so, which now mixed with the anxiety for potential answers to the financial hardships of her family and that traitorous harlot. Luz smiled to herself, faintly buzzing in her seat with nervous energy, too lost in her living costs to notice the furtive glances Amity shot her way when she thought Luz wouldn't notice, which she didn't, or the similar skittishness she displayed in the shared afterglow of a solid session of nerd time, only Amity's was flavored by lovesickness and hormones.

Amity had not forgotten what Luz had said before class, that there was something her crush had wanted to discuss. The human looked like she had much on her mind, excitable as ever but with a tenseness Amity had not seen before. What could she have been waiting to say? Did she know about her less than platonic feelings for her? Was their relationship the subject that was to be broached? These were the questions bubbling in the young Blight's mind, who gripped the armrests of her seat and tried to keep her heartbeat from being audible. What could Amity do but wait for Luz to collect herself and speak her mind?

"Amity, I'm going to speak my mind now," Luz began, startling Amity out of her reverie, "There's something really important I need to talk to you about."

"Oh fuck this is it," Amity thought to herself. She took a deep breath, grounding herself, "Luz, I just want you to know that you've changed my life, and that you've made these past two months the happiest I've ever been. You've always been at my side and lifting me up, even when I was being...difficult. I don't know what I did to deserve someone as amazing as you in my life Luz, and I don't know how you see me but I'm going to accept however you want our relationship to be."

Luz processed her friend's words syllable by syllable as her mind and her ego tried to reconcile these heartfelt words with years of loneliness and the cruelty of adolescence. Someone as incredible, as brilliant as Amity felt this way about her? Luz was incredulous and had nothing to say, no response but to sob in disbelief and joy.

Amity's moments of fretting over what she had done to upset Luz were ended as the object of her affection lunged forwards, embracing her in a warm and shuddering hug.

"AMITY!" Luz wailed, "I'm the one who should be thankful! Witches like you accepted me as I am! You didn't want me to change or tell me to shut up or go away or that I'm annoying or weird, you cared about me and let me care about you! You've made me feel like I belong, and you've made the time I've been here the happiest part of my life!"

Amity had begun to cry as well, tightening the hug, "I-I love you Luz!"

"Amity, I love you too! I love you, and all you guys!" Luz tearfully replied, "That's why I need your help to get the Owl House out of a financial crisis so I can keep being with you all!"

"Huh?" Amity gasped, whose head had suddenly materialized clown makeup and a wig.

"Yo what the fuck?" Edric blurted in surprise. The two very startled friends looked up, finding that Edric and Emira had been taped to the ceiling the whole time.

"A̴̞͌̾Ä̸̜͔A̸̡̳͝A̷̠͝A̶̧͇͊A̷̠̓A̸̧͔͝Â̶̠̓A̵̡͉͆̊Ȃ̷̖A̵͎͊A̸̺̋!̴̠͕͂!̷͓̆!̴̰̮̑" Luz and Amity screamed in G major.

"Calm down, it's just us," Emira soothed as the girls hurtled out the hideout.

* * *

As Luz had been hoping to platonically invite her best friend to the Owl House anyway, the duo had agreed to reconvene there after they had caught their breath. Luz had gone on ahead to let her family know and set up what she could at the house. Amity had offered to buy some snacks and other assorted sundries from the marketplace. At the moment, Luz lounged on the couch in the living room, languidly reading a piece of fanfiction saved on her phone, Sweetness and Lightning by Cornonjacob, a heartwarming story in which nothing bad or abnormal happens.

"Hi Luz's friend! Are you here to see Luz!? I see Luz all the ti-AGRK!" Hooty greeted then grunted in pain as the visitor punched him in the throat and kicked the door open. Hooting and hollering, the studio audience cheered as Amity walked into the Owl House with a Capri-Sun in hand.

3

"Amity! I missed you!"

"Calm down dummy," Amity laughed, lightly blushing, "We just saw each other half an hour ago."

"But Amiiiity," Luz whined, clasping Amity's free hand, "That's half an hour too many!"

The young witch allowed herself to be pulled further into the house, sipping from her juice pouch so she could break eye contact with her excitedly chattering crush. Eda wanted to shoot herself.

"Alright, alright! You kids have fun. Holler if you need me!" Eda announced, departing for the kitchen to cook and be separate from this adolescent nonsense.

Climbing the stairs, the two teens stopped partway as Hooty emitted an autotuned noise from the depths of Hell and opened his door, allowing Lilith entry and souring Luz's mood. With a look of absolute disgust and contempt, Luz began to speak.

"She's hideous. She makes me sick just looking at her. That big bulging forehead, that oh-so prim and proper way she holds herself, that misplaced trust in authority and rules, and that STUPID dyed hair!"

Amity, who had been standing there and growing increasingly uncomfortable, cleared her throat.

"Oh but it looks good on you Amity! Heh heh..." Luz awkwardly blurted, face pinking, "Let's just head up to my room."

Initial gaffes aside, the duo settled into a comfortable familiarity with tensions and nervousness respectively forgotten. Soft laughter punctuated by the occasional outburst from the human could be heard from beyond the room, its atmosphere of pleasant company eased along with the pastries from the market that Amity had possessed the entire time and shared.

"So Luz," Amity began, eyes still twinkling mirthfully from the funny words Luz is known to say, "How can I help with your money situation?"

"Well I figured you'd know a thing or two about business since you come from a rich family."

"OK, that makes sense. A lot of what I learned from my parents was all about 'upholding the Blight name' and some other social status crap, but I think I actually have some practical advice."

Luz sat on her bedroll with awful posture like a queer, her rapt attention pinking Amity's cheeks before she continued.

"There are two things that I'm sure work. First, you need a niche. What do you bring to the market? What good or service are you selling that people want, and why should they come to you for it?"

As she lectured, Amity summoned paper and a pen, drawing up diagrams for Luz's comprehension.

"There are different reasons why you might win customers over a competitor. Quality of product, prices, and convenience of location are all pretty common advantages. My family uses prestige."

"What do you mean Amity? How would prestige help my business?" Luz asked like the star idiot in an early 2000s infomercial.

Amity then proceeded to launch into a long winded explanation about the reputation and image of her family as well as its sociopolitical and economic importance and the status symbol of associating with the Blights that allowed for the family and its associated businesses to charge higher prices and demand more favorable terms in contracts and other assorted transactions due to their incredible influence in the market and the psychological response in consumers to give in to or purchase things with the Blight name involved over more cost effective options.

Luz sat there with a blank look on her face, only registering every second syllable that came out of her friend, but she got the gist of it so it was fine.

"So it's like branding!" Luz exclaimed.

"I don't know what that is," Amity replied.

This didn't matter. Luz had an epiphany, and like all of Luz's impulsive ideas, it was going to be fucking terrible and work anyway.

"Oh my gosh thank you Amity I know exactly what to do," Luz blurted in a rush. She chastely kissed her friend on the cheek and ran out the room. Amity passed out or something but we'll get her back later.

"Hey Eda!" Luz shouted as she galumphed down the stairs, "I figured out a way we can make some...Luz change!"

"Kid shut the fuck up!" Eda bellowed back while King laughed like a buffoon.

"OK, so after talking it over with Amity, I realized that your human stuff stand was such a hit because you were the only one who could get real human stuff. Well I, a human, am still here and nobody else knows that we lost the portal, right?"

"I'm listening," Eda said, her attention now fully on her apprentice.

"If you think about it, anything I make is real human stuff. Who's going to say anything we sell isn't from the human realm? We've got our niche, we have my reputation! People will eat it up!"

"OK Luz, not bad so far."

"You ain't seen nothing yet, Eda. Have you ever heard of a pyramid scheme?"

* * *

The residents of the Owl House plus Amity were gathered around the dinner table. The atmosphere was cheerful and uplifted, festive even, as the household may have finally found an answer to their state of perpetual poverty. Much to Lilith's consternation as she is allergic to having fun and being happy, Eda had decided to splurge and allow everyone to enjoy a feast of the frozen dino nuggets that were saved for a special occasion. They were even heated up.

"Tomorrow, we start our business empire! But tonight, we feast!" declared Luz, "This is all thanks to Amity!"

"Me?! I didn't do much Luz, this was your idea!" Amity stammered, at a loss on how to respond to the attention and praise from her crush.

"Oh don't be so modest Amity! You always come through for me!"

The young witch did not trust herself to form a coherent reply and ate a dino nugget so she would not have to.

"Ha ha! We're going to be so rich! I will reign over all!" King loudly interjected, except nobody cared so it didn't happen. And so the celebration continued.

An hour later, Amity left the Owl House with a spring in her step, an academically related excuse for her parents, and Luz by her side to see her off at the Grom Tree.

"Thanks for having me over Luz. I had a really good time."

"You're always welcome here Amity. I really appreciate having you around," Luz stated, making direct platonic eye contact.

Amity blushed and verbally fumbled around for a change of subject, "Um, wow! The tree is really beautiful tonight!"

The human grinned, "You know who else is beautiful?"

"W...who?" Amity replied, hopefully and with heart pounding.

"The person reading this fanfiction," Luz breathlessly stage whispered, "Welp! Good night Amity!"

"Wait what!?"

4

To be continued

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This is the image that got me permanently banned from The Owl House Reddit. Back  
> 2\. No really, I posted this with an explanation of the context and I got taken out back and shot. Pissposting got me banned and it's a funny story about why you should probably carefully read the rules before pissposting anywhere. Back  
> 3\. A big thank you to the fantastic artist [raspbi](https://twitter.com/raspbi/status/1348733818421837837/) for giving express permission to use their fanart in this story. Back  
> 4\. A clown Amity edit made for a good joke by [thotolina](https://twitter.com/thotolina/status/1293679914303004672/). Back


End file.
